Jeff's Cafe of Life

Hmm

posted by Jeff Gatlin at 10/20/2005 12:07:00 PM

Latest Unusual Thing Overheard at the Office

"Andrew Jackson WAS evil!"
posted by Jeff Gatlin at 3/04/2005 06:26:00 PM

It's Winter

When it is winter, it gets cold. When it is cold, the temperature drops. When the temperature drops to 32 degrees water freezes. When water freezes it expands. When water expands, it ignores the fact that it is in a non-flexible container like a hose clamp and expands anyway, breaking the clamp. When clamps that are meant to contain water break, water escapes.

So when it's winter, leave the heat on when you go on vacation. Even heating to 50 degrees will keep the water in the hose.

Fortunately, my neighbor has his own water shut off valve and cut off my water. The clamp is under my sink, and looks like an easy self fix, so hopefully no expensive piping to be replaced. But it'll be a 'fun' project for the morning.

Jeff
posted by Jeff Gatlin at 12/26/2004 10:59:00 PM

Computers Suck

So I've been battling financial woes the last few months. Short story, the biggest battle was won by yours truly this week. As long as I follow Ben Franklins advice, all things in moderation, then I should avoid further financial stress.

Post battle analysis. Can't blame anyone but myself for getting into debt. However, for the last couple of months have been particularly hard. Despite my careful and meticulous tracking of what I spend, I kept coming up short. Today, out of curiosity, I did a side by side comparison of my bank records vs my own spreadsheet. They didn't match up, my spreadsheet sat there smugly saying I had more money. Huh. Turns out the spreadsheet had a formula error so it was reporting the wrong balance. Lovely. I'm considering upgrading to a number 2 pencil. :/

-- Jeff

posted by Jeff Gatlin at 10/16/2004 10:54:00 AM

Accomplishments

Last night I attached a tuba mouthpiece to a seashell and when I played, it shook the world.

What have you done lately?

posted by Jeff Gatlin at 9/11/2004 11:17:00 AM

Two Muffins are sitting in an oven.

One muffin says to the other, "Holy shit it's hot in here." The other muffin replys with, "Holy shit, a talking muffin!"
posted by Jeff Gatlin at 8/08/2004 09:46:00 PM

What is Hip?

Jumping on the latest fad, I now have a moblog at www.textamerica.com. Check it out!
posted by Jeff Gatlin at 2/16/2004 11:17:00 AM

The Best Diet Ever!

Saw this posted on a message board. Enjoy!

-----
You guys gotta check out the Magic Pebble Diet.

Its simple, and completely foolproof!

Just order one of the magic pebbles online, only $49.95 USD, which is your dietary guide. From there, its only 3 simple steps!

1. Always keep the magic pebble in your pocket
2. Eat Healthy
3. Exercise

Works like a charm! Im willing to believe in magic!
-----

posted by Jeff Gatlin at 1/06/2004 01:31:00 AM

Hello World

Finally moved in and living in my new place. Gotta wait till payday so I can afford blinds for the windows, so for a few more days I'm in the public view. I at least scrounged enough to get the bathroom and bedroom blinded.

Still no time for proper cleaning and never did get all the painting done that I wanted but at least its mostly done. Once we've got finished cleaning the old house and getting all the stuff we left behind, I'll be much happier and much less rushed.

Thanks to everyone who helped us move. I expect we'd be in the hospital otherwise!

Jeff
posted by Jeff Gatlin at 9/26/2003 10:30:00 PM

Rip, Spackle, Paint

Pry, pull, rip, rip... pry pull, pry pry pry rip... pry pull uh oh, there's no wall behind there... think think... remember Trading Spaces... think think... very careful pry pull pry pull, flip over, nail tack nail tack, ha works, repeat repeat.

Spackle spackle spackle, tape, spacke spackle. Repeat. Drip on carpet, curse!

Move plastic, paint paint paint, move plastic, paint paint, move plastic, gah my eye!, mumble paint paint paint, take break, paint paint paint move plastic, dab sweat from head, move plastic paint paint, repeat.
posted by Jeff Gatlin at 8/11/2003 06:33:00 PM

Imagine...

A lovely neighborhood full of trees and friendly people. Then imagine a big ugly box in the middle of it. That's my place.

After 2 days of home owner ship, I find myself having the usual post purchase wigouts. Now that I own the place, I am finding plenty of stuff 'wrong' with it that I didn't notice when I first was dazzled by it (happened with most of my cars too). Or at least, the stuff I did see I forgot about (This is very likely). I spent the day there and made four pages of notes concerning things that I will have to fix/clean/replace.

Nothing is really all that bad. A loose thing here, a missing knob there, a badly installed thing over there. The absolute worst thing, that I didn't notice at all when I looked at it, is that the owner was a smoker. I didn't notice a smell when I viewed it and at the time it was still occupied thus all furniture in place made it look quite spritely. Now emptied, you can clearly see that the walls are yellowed from smoke, especially where they removed pictures you'll find nice white rectangles. Yucko.

In the meantime, I get to have fun repainting the entire place. Fortunately, I have approx 6 to 7 weeks before I move in to get it all done. If I have cash left after all the painting, the kitchen floor is gonna get ripped up as well. Wish me luck and lots of soap. -Jeffg



posted by Jeff Gatlin at 8/03/2003 01:50:00 AM

Snapper!

So, I'm getting back home from the local Hucks after heading out to grab a fountain drink. There's a red pickup parked at the end of my street, in front of my drive way but there's still room for me to pull in so no trouble there. I see some guy I've never seen before coming back from the wooded creek that runs by my place. I park in my driveway and get out of my car, noticing that this guy is now fiddling with two long planks in the bed of his pickup. I watch without watching (the standard casual spy routine) but am foiled when he calls out, "Hey there! Want to see something?"

Isn't this how your typical low budget murder movie begins? I mentally check my pockets... no shotgun, haven't taken Aikido yet... will have to rely on my time honored power of 'Everything is fine', a weird power I possess that allows me to confuse enemies with my utter lack of threat potential, while secretly I'm ready to dodge bullets. (I've not yet tested the bullet part).

In response, I stop and yell out, "Whatcha got?". Clever, I reveal my Texas heritage in my accent which delivers the message "Look redneck, I got a can of whoopass in my blood, so watch it!" without being all that rude.

"A turtle!" he replies.

OK. I don't recall any low budget murder flicks that begin with a guy with a turtle in his pickup. Alert levels are lowering. I approach and respond, "In your pickup?".

A clever response geared to measure the enemies intelligence and tolerence for statements of extreme obviousness. It worked, he ignores my ploy and continues with his own story.

"Yeah I found this in the road over by the ball park. Figured I'd take him over to the creek and let him loose."

What's this? A good samaritan? I look in the truck and see...



... the mother of all snapping turtles. This one, about two foot around, a scruffed nose from previous battles and a look in it's eyes that said, "Just let me have a few fingers. I've had a bad day and need something to chew on."

So Earl says, "Now I just gotta figure out how to get him over there."

and I say "How did you ever get him in?"

Side note: His name wasn't Earl, I didn't actually get his name, but it fits the mood.

Earl at this point is trying to grab the turtle with two long planks, sort of 1 by 6 boards, as if they were huge chopsticks. I'm wondering how he ever got the thing into his pickup. Wonder because this turtle is snapping and biting at everything that moves near it.

Light bulb over head.

"Hey", I say, "I got a tub that we can use to put him in then you could just carry him over and tump him out. Lemme get it"

I bring over one of my plastic tubs that I bought for packing, and Earl coaxes the turtle in sort of like sliding a dog across the kitchen floor, cept with less actually sliding and more pushing the turtle with the board.

Works like a charm, with turtle in tub, Earl juts over to the creek, climbs down and releases the turtle who darts off through the water at top turtle speed.

Earl returns tub, we shake hands and he says, "Thanks pal, we did a good thing." and we go our own ways.

An interesting experience, but not worthy of a low budget murder movie (thank the stars). - Jeffg

posted by Jeff Gatlin at 7/15/2003 03:20:00 AM

I Bought a House

It's a humble little 2 bedroom 1 bath place, near work. Quite suitable for me to live on the cheap while I continue to eliminate the massive debt I built up when I was just a fancy lad. Fortunately, I'll be free of that burden in just a year.

In the meantime, I have found that ownership (even though I've only started the paperwork and closing won't occur till August), produces the strangest callings. At 3am, when I should have been already asleep, I found I was forced to scower the internet in search of gardening advice. Go figure.

Jeff
posted by Jeff Gatlin at 6/24/2003 11:22:00 AM

Woohoo, My head hurts

The establishment says I am a visionary philospher with an IQ of 131. But... at... what... cost!
posted by Jeff Gatlin at 3/27/2003 05:52:00 PM

Why we will win

Optimus Prime is on our side!
posted by Jeff Gatlin at 3/20/2003 11:26:00 AM

Made it back... um... a week ago or so

The GDC (which should be renamed Game Developer's Conference and Fitness Week) due to all the walking about that occurred, was fascinating. There's an amazing amount of information to be had there. Mostly, you can learn a lot about your own philosophy by listening to others spout theirs. Thanks to Elonka, David and Neil for helping to get me out there! The event that made the trip for me was a tutorial called All Stories Big and Small, which discussed the importance of stories in games. Drop by the speaker Lee Sheldon's site for the gists of it. www.anti-linearlogic.com

Ok, war. It sucks. My personal rant that applies to all people of all nations is simply "CAN WE PLEASE TRY NOT TO KILL ANYBODY!" Stuff like that just irks me. And yet I realize that sometimes you have to fight. Duality of man, go figure.

In the meantime, while most of the media cranks up their sensationalism on things that might actually be sensational, I must point out a couple of interesting media people. Normally, I read the headlines and wonder what the real story is (If you haven't found Google News, find it now). I find most media willing to say anything to get people to 'tune in' and it puts me off. However, there are a few out there that are willing to do anything to get people to listen and this is worthy of a raised eyebrow.

Kevin Sites is a solo journalist for CNN who runs a blog with his reports from the front lines in Iraq.

Phillip Robertson is a journalist for Salon and in this article details his attempts to sneak into Iraq.

Wow. Ok, nuts, but wow. It's kinda like the 'Real' TV fads without all the hollywood goo all over it. Take some time and read their reports. Kinda takes the edge of the office worries.

Back to a lighter note, check out http://www.homestarrunner.com. It's funny.

-- Jeff

posted by Jeff Gatlin at 3/19/2003 04:48:00 PM

Werewolves and San Jose

Every first Monday morning of the month, the city tests its emergency sirens. Everytime, I am asleep. I always hear them but do not always wake up fully. Today, I heard them and so did the neighbor dogs. They started howling. Long multi-pitched howls. Now, I was still asleep. I woke up about 10 to 15 minutes previous to all of this due to bizarre dreams involving halloween, dark magic from the orient and me driving a bus that needed its software upgraded and would not stop very well. But I didn't stay awake, I rolled over and slept more. Then the sirens and the howling.

I was certain that werewolves were outside and about to break in the house. Curiously, I was only a little afraid and more bothered that I was going to have to deal with werewolves. I mean, I'm not even sure what common items in my house are silver, to provide me an improvised weapon.

Onward, to the waking world. I am off to San Jose for the Game Developers Conference. My first trip there, looking forward to it. Fortunately, the panel I am sitting on is in the afternoon instead of early morning so there should be no werewolves. We will see.

Also, I made the plunge and picked up a cell phone this weekend. Totally free plus a 50 dollar rebate. Yes, they are paying people to get cell phones now. Deals are to be had, shop around. Seems the best deals are at the end of the month (according to the memo I read on the salesmen's desk while I waited for stuff to get set up). If ya need to get ahold of me, get my number or phone aim name from those in the know. -- Jeff
posted by Jeff Gatlin at 3/03/2003 09:53:00 AM

Happy New Year!

Random thoughts of the moment: Egg Nog with alcohol is tastier, Tivo still rocks, Netflix is good but mail is too slow, time away from high speed internet access causes unusual daydreams, downpours are best experiences in a stationary location, my room desires serious cleaning, I am again in ownership of a bass guitar, the little cat on my desk thinks I'm funny, and it takes patience to practice patience.

:) Jeff
posted by Jeff Gatlin at 1/01/2003 01:51:00 AM

Home Sweet ... (passes out)

As it happens, the time it takes to drive from Kemp Texas (outside Dallas) to Saint Peters Missouri is almost exactly the same amount of time it takes to listen to the audio book of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. Accept for dodgy CD player performance, it was a fine listen and a much shorter trip in the mind's eye.

And now I must drop and re-accustom myself to the homeland. Later -Jeff

posted by Jeff Gatlin at 12/30/2002 11:58:00 PM

Merry Christmas

My part of Texas is free of snow this year and though I am fond of snow, I don't mind because I didn't bring my 'snow' shoes (read hiking boots). Sneakers and snow are always a wet and messy experience for me.
posted by Jeff Gatlin at 12/25/2002 10:46:00 AM

Take Me Home, Country Road...

Back in Texas this week. It's much like I remember, big, roomy and full of crazy drivers. Meanwhile, a cold is giving me the gift of coughing and sniffying. Thrillsville. But on the good side, Tivo is happyily recording a weeks worth of booty for me to open upon my return. :)

Jeff
posted by Jeff Gatlin at 12/22/2002 08:34:00 PM

So I was Getting Up This Morning When... huh... 40?! WTF!

*mumble*


posted by Jeff Gatlin at 12/17/2002 10:59:00 AM

Solace

When I can't find the words, I make absurd jokes. But to get my style nailed down, ya gotta be there in person alas... the web does not always capture all the nuances. So...

I present you with THE FEAR YOU NEVER KNEW TILL NOW!

Send hate mail to me, you know the address. -Jeff
posted by Jeff Gatlin at 12/01/2002 01:56:00 AM

I Survived The Loss of 4 Wisdom Teeth and All I Got...

... was pat on the back, some drugs, and a 'Sorry we don't accept that card for payment, will that be cash, check or another charge card'. Financial woes aside, I am doing fine. They couldn't use general anastesia on me cause in laymens terms "I'd stop breathing" and I said "well I prefer to breathe" so we went the next best thing which was local and an IV which meant I was awake but goofy. Sadly they asked me no philosphical questions so if there were any pearls of wisdom to be discovered, they were overlooked.

As for pain management, if I quietly pretend that I have no need to speak, yawn, eat, drink or otherwise use my mouth for any type of motion, then I am quite in good shape. Hope everyone else is the same.

Keep the Faith,
Jeff
posted by Jeff Gatlin at 10/14/2002 08:11:00 PM

Simple Truths

From Kids on Science: When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
posted by Jeff Gatlin at 8/28/2002 11:49:00 AM

How to Avoid Chemical Fires

First, remove the bag of aging, badly leaking chemicals (Raid, defrost stuff, draino-ish substance, cleaning alcohol and some sort of goo all over everything) away from it's spot in the garage near the lawnmower gasoline and piles of cardboard and place them in the garbage to be disposed of.

Second, relax. You have successfully broken the Fire Tetrahedron by removing one of the four elements necessary for fire, those being Heat, Fuel, Oxygen, Chemical Chain Reaction.

Third, go clean up... several times... cause your paranoid about what that goo might have been.

In the meantime,

I am Celeborn, King of Lothlorien. During the War of the Ring, I succeeded in leading my forces in the conquest of Dol Guldur. People say I'm just Galadriel's pretty-trophy husband, but REALLY I'm the strong-and-silent type. In the movie, I'm played by Marton Csokas.
|| Which Lord of the Rings Elf are you? @ Xirculo.com ||

posted by Jeff Gatlin at 8/07/2002 12:39:00 AM

Best Random Statement Thus Far

Read this comment in some blog out there somewhere, "Don't mess with me or my stunt double will kick your ass!"
posted by Jeff Gatlin at 7/30/2002 12:10:00 PM

Pearls of Wisdom

Tonight during dinner, in response to Steph accusing me of kicking her feet, I angrily blurt out this shining example of American Intellect:

"Look, my feet are where they are!"


posted by Jeff Gatlin at 7/22/2002 12:09:00 AM

Cortisone Shots In the Heel Hurt Alot

So I go to the doctor. My left foot has been just deciding to hurt now and then. There's lots of interesting technical words for it, the closest almost understandable phrase in English is bone spur. First visit was 'Get some new shoes, arch supports and do these exercises". Fine. Got new shoes, skipped the supports cause I'm stupid and did the excercises. 5 months later, still having problems. I go back, after a little QA he whoops out a needle while explaining that most people are willing to put up with a little discomfort now for relief later. This is the part I'm only half paying attention to cause I've had shots before and they are not that bad.

This was not one of the shots I had before.

He prefaced the shot with "This is going to stick a little" and applies shot. Ouch. I respond, "OK, that sticks alot" and then he pushed harder and I shut up. I had to steady myself because I almost jump off the table and kick my leg. Note. it's bad to kick your leg when there a big needle in your foot. Fortunately, I avoided kicking. The funny part is how quick my desire to joke around left me. I wanted to curse. I wanted to curse alot. I was angry. A few points less of IQ and I would have went after the doc. I glanced down and saw only a few millimeters of the needle, the other two inches were in my heel somewhere. I stopped thinking and looked away.

After the shot, I had to lay down and let the shock wear off so I didn't get sick. Oddly, it didn't hurt after. That is until 2 hours later when the sore kicked in. Then I had to hobble the rest of the day.

Pain ends the next day. Faint soreness but nothing like the previous day. Doing some physical therapy to help clear things up. Pam, my physical therapist measures my foot and says this and that and makes perfect sense. I love specialists. I surprise her during one test because I can stand on one foot without losing balance. Thank you Tai Chi.

Ok, stories of pain over. It's safe again for now. (Yes I know I didn't warn you in advance, life is rough). -Jeffg
posted by Jeff Gatlin at 7/20/2002 12:03:00 PM

Mountain Man Jeff

Went camping at Taum Sauk Park in the lovely state of Missouri. A nice woodsy place within the St. Francois Mountains. We stayed two nights, dined on the best food I've ever had on a camping trip (kudos to cooks Steph and Mike) and took a relaxing hike down and up Missouri's tallest mountain.

I call myself mountain man cause I very nearly got to stay on the mountain. The trail is rough. Not just rough as in slightly uneven, but rough like in a giant pile of rocks and roots. Still, the trip down was not overly taxing, just a constant eye on the path for each good footing adventure. The trouble started when the path turned from decline to incline. Uphill + Sunny Day + Jeff = Massive Heat Energy. Unfortunately, you could say I have a balance score of 90, endurance score of 10. Any of the up hill jaunts (and there was approx 400 feet or more to climb) was about 20 yards (or 6 to 10 large upward steps) and rest. Plus I only brought two bottles of water and by that time I clearly needed 6 or more.

So, I chugged along anyway figuring I could make it to the top by midnight (it was 2pm-ish) but the lack of enough water was a clear problem so Matt Steph and Dave decided to head on up to the top and get more water, while Melissa and Mike stayed with me on my much slower ascent. Not much after I run out of water, Matt, King of the Mountain, comes bounding down the trail with a 5 gallon jug of water! I start soaking it up by osmosis as soon as it is within range (Steph arrives during the soak). Two bottles and two head dowsings later and we are on our way up and better pace. Plus the bonus was the trail uh... unsteeped ... no uh well the climby part stops and the slight incline began. In the end, we trodded up to the happy starting point and returned to camp where the drinks and food were 10 times better. Thanks friends for the helping hand!

The last battle was getting home. Since I didnt sleep well on the trip, I had to use much caffiene to battle road hypnosis even on a simple 2 hour jaunt home. Made it without incident. There are few joys as great as sitting on your couch in a cool house after a steamy hot camping trip. Nice.
posted by Jeff Gatlin at 7/01/2002 10:09:00 AM