Saturday, January 29, 2000

Journal: Life is Good

So, much like the fool who jumps off a cliff just because his friends did, I have followed my friends to a common web site. This place is known as the Emode Celebrity Matchmaker. After taking their spiffy text, they have determined that my perfect match is none other than... wait for it...

Shania Twain!

Here's the the match makers have spoken: Shania Twain is the one for you, and we are sure she will impress you much. This Country music beauty is quite a prize. Not only does she sing like an angel and speak with a twang, but she is a complete knockout. Based on your answers, you desire a woman with class, ambition and beauty who fully dedicates herself to all of her endeavors. She has acheived a great balance between southern charm and an independent air, and she is a confident and competent woman. This country chick is quite a catch, and if you're lucky, you'll be the one she dreams of, the one she wants for life.

Yes friends, I will be packing my bags and heading to Nashville. It will be rough, as I have little spare cash, but knowledge of my perfect celebrity woman will spur me on when money cannot. Even though I get nauseated after only seconds of most country music, I am willing to brave the sickness and debilitating health to be with my perfect celebrity match. And when I meet her, and she says "Who are you and what are you doing in my house?!" in that country twang accent that grates on my brain harder than a paint scraper, I will think that she is cute and maybe that accent means she has family in Ireland or something. If luck is with me, I will be able to steal a laptop computer, so that I can show my perfect match in person how I came to discover this magical secret. With love in my heart, I shall rip off my shirt and carve her name upon my chest with steak knife. She will know we were meant for each other for only a maniac would do that otherwise. Once we are together, I will most likely have this web site bathed in radiation, to make certain that I have no ties to my past life of non perfect match celebrity drearyness.

Wish me luck! -Jg
posted by Jeff Gatlin 1/29/00 10:30:30 AM

Friday, January 28, 2000

Dream: The Amazing Flexible Baby Goldfish

There was a new fish about to be born. Everyone was talking about it and saying how we must be careful not to harm the new baby fish. Just then, an old man came out and said it was done. He reached up and peeled something off of his forehead. It was the new baby fish! Though it certainly did not look like a fish. But then, just as he pulled it off, it slipped and he dropped it! OH No, the baby fish will be hurt! But no, it was not hurt. In fact, it was odd. It seemed that when the baby fish (which was never in any water during all this) would get near a flat surface, its entire body would mold itself to the surface much like a rubbery soap bubble.

Someone gave me the fish. Its eye had gotten stuck to the bottom of a pan and I had to try and pull it off. I was afraid I would pull it apart but it was very resilient. Then something happened and the fish got dropped. It hit the ground with a splat and became a rather elaborate splat pattern on the ground. I went to look at it and it reformed slowly and I pulled it off the ground. It was fish shaped again. We marveled at the miracle of the new fish for a while then everything fades.
posted by Jeff Gatlin 1/28/00 7:12:28 PM

Wednesday, January 26, 2000

Dream: The Warehouse of Dangerous Creatures

We were standing outside the warehouse. We all knew what was inside, but was had to go in. We had to. Several of us made are way in. Inside, we are chased by a tyrannosaurus rex. It is tearing the place apart trying to get to us. We get away. Further in, we come across strange round globs that fly around like alien dogs. They try and bite. We keep running.

Now the whole flavor of the dream shifts. We are preparing for a celebration, a wedding perhaps. Now in a mall, we come across Ben Afleck. While talking to him, we notice he is about 7 feet tall. Knowing that he is sensitive about his size we say nothing, but later we see him from a distance in the mall and start calling him Gigantor.
posted by Jeff Gatlin 1/26/00 11:20:38 AM

Tuesday, January 25, 2000

Dream: The Assassination and Babylon 5

An old doctor (whom I thought was the original from babylon 5, but may actually have been the original doctor from Star Trek) and several others including myself discover that an assassination will occur. We decide we must do all we can to stop it. But the assassination attempt involves a bomb and only Gkar can help us stop it. We search for and find Gkar and he agrees to help. We enter a strange building and Gkar begins chanting. As he does so, parts of the bomb become visible and show they are about to explode. I jump forward and disarm the bomb.

Now it is only a matter of time. We must flee in our fighters to take out the enemy. We go to the ship bay where several ships are moving across in an assembly like fashion, much like the cars of a ride at Six Flags. The fighters are two seaters. Gkar and Ivonava get into one ship, and I get into the next. We take off and I notice the ships look like the Daktaklakpak ships from Star Control 3 (though I don't realize this is weird). We must fly after the enemy, but I realize I don't know how to fly this type of ship. I start flipping switches and controls hoping to get the hang of it. I manage to get the ship to float around alot but not much else. Soon though we are on our way and land on an island with restaraunts. I cannot remember much else.
posted by Jeff Gatlin 1/25/00 1:04:29 AM

Saturday, January 22, 2000

Journal: Chaotic Dreams and Life

Plenty of dreaming but the recent ones have been so varied and jumbled I can't see trying to write it all down. Though you may think, "Hey, I've read your stuff and boy let me tell you what, the ones you write don't make no sense anyway so what the heck are you talking about!”. However, they make sense to me and are usually at least serial if not a complete story. Anyway the most recent dream subjects included pseudo whales, danger, shooting and breathing underwater.

Just saw Galaxy Quest. Damn funny movie! Though I kept expecting them to compare the bad guy to Swamp Thing. Also went shopping at a military supply store. I've been lookin for gear to get setup for Airsoft games. Bought some camouflage gloves and a hat. Yes sir, I am now totally anonymous from satellite photos. If they try to take a picture of me while I have the hat on, all they see is an odd-looking bush. Sweet.

Woke up at 6:30am this morning. That's no more than 5 hours of sleep from crash time. Though it was last night’s appetizer that originally woke me (TGIFriday's Fire Bites), when I went back to bed my mind refused to return me to slumber. This doesn't happen to me often. Usually, it's due to stuff in my head that I'm having trouble defining or sometimes just anticipation of future events. I'm pretty sure it's both of these that kept me up though I swear my conscious mind just wanted to get more sleep. In any case, after two hours of non-sleep bed rest I got up and moseyed off to the office to battle with my new PC. Got the puppy to nominal and tomorrow I can add the essentials and the fun stuff.

That's all. -Jg
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries of life disappear and life stands explained. Mark Twain.
posted by Jeff Gatlin 1/22/00 9:17:10 PM

Tuesday, January 18, 2000

Dream: The Private Club and the Ladies

I'm in a truck with David W. (CEO and Airsoft enthusiast) and other friends from the office. David is driving. We are on our way to a private club where I expect there will be airsoft goings on because that is the current office wild interest. We come to the edge of a cliff. It's a long way down... a really long way down. David says, "Get ready!" and I say, "Um, it's kind of steep, like straight down steep. Are you sure..." He floors it and we go plunging off the cliff and falling to our doom. Or so I thought. At the bottom of the cliff, the dusty ground I thought was to meet us was actually a dust-covered lake. Now the truck has plunged underwater, and we are all holding our breath because the truck has completely filled with water. This goes on for too long but just as I am our of air we surface.

Getting out of the truck, we enter the private club that we were heading to. We are all soaking wet but few in this high class place seem to notice. We head to the back where there are private rooms to change. At this point I think, Hmm I didn't bring a swimsuit, which is an odd thing to think, since I am already wet. We enter the room and find it is already occupied by some sort of gang. They don't raise much of a fuss though.

Here's where it gets interestin’. I sit on the bed because I am tired. Three of the gang's ladies join me there and start to squabble over me. I find this fascinating. I lie down on the bed and they all join me. At this point, after quickly thanking my lucky stars, lets just say I'm happy for the night. When I awake only one lady remains. I glance about for the others but do not see them. Then the lady next to me turns into a little vampire and attacks. I think "oh great, it figures" and push the vampire aside with one hand. (I never knew I had this power over vampires). I leave the room and enter a theater where a show is playing. It's that movie, "Man on the Moon" and I am watching a scene where Andy Kaufman brutally beats up a Saturday Night Live writer who is being played by Tom Green (from MTV). I think the casting is well done and ironic. Dream fades here.
posted by Jeff Gatlin 1/18/00 10:02:09 AM

Monday, January 17, 2000

Dream: Airsoft Commando

Several of my friends and I have gone to participate in an Airsoft game. For those of you that are not familiar with Airsoft, Airsoft is a company that makes essentially plastic BB guns that look just like real automatic weapons. Players buy the guns, wear protective gear (especially eyewear), team up and go shoot each other up the wazoo. Kind of like laser tag except it looks real and getting shot actually hurts. So, we get to the place where are the players are being briefed on the game rules. I haven’t had a chance to buy any of my own gear, so plan on borrowing when it comes time. The leader instructs us that in this game, we will head out into the woods and try to find the hidden sausages. She informs us that if we encounter a bird bigger than 6 inches with an attitude then we have permission to kill it since it is trying to steal the sausage. I find I am hoping I don’t see this bird cause I don’t want to mess with it.

She then starts handing out guns to those that do not have them. I have my hand up to show that I need one, but she keeps handing guns to everyone else. Finally it looks like it is my turn, but instead of handing me a nifty Airsoft gun, she gives me an umbrella. I look it over wondering if it can shoot. Then everyone heads outside and starts hunting sausage. I decide to make the best of it and open my umbrella, because though I cannot shoot at least I will not get wet. Running up the hill, looking for little pieces of sausage, I jump and find that the umbrella keeps me in the air like a parachute. Hmm, that was cool. I jump again higher and manage to fly for a good bit of distance. Really cool! Then I find someone that found a sausage. It turns out the sausage is a big chunk of summer sausage and not the little bits of pizza sausage that I was trying to find. At this point the dream fades into obscurity.
posted by Jeff Gatlin 1/17/00 12:09:07 PM

Friday, January 14, 2000

Dream: Hail and Snow and No Arms

This is another snoozing in the chair dream. Hopefully, this will be the last of this sort as my shift has changed from the graveyard to the bizarre (that's from night to day for you straight-haired folk).

I hear a rumble and then another. I know I am sleeping in my chair but the sound is setting off my curiosity bells. The rumbling becomes louder and more persistent and I am certain it is coming from the roof. I try to wake up but my arms and head refuse to move. My legs however are slowly waking up. I move my legs off the desk and start kicking, trying to shove myself back and forth. My arms are still dead and I can barely get my eyes opens. Worried about the sound, which I now believe to be a hailstorm, I lean forward and use my movable legs to stand up. I stumble, falling against the wall of my cube as my upper body just isn't cooperating. I stumble out my cube and into the office across from me, which is much larger than it normally is. It looks like a classroom. I am shocked to find that it is snowing inside! There must be a leak in the ceiling and I think I must call Tamma (our office manager). But the snow is really coming down hard and there are two chairs just inside the door. In my semi-panicked state with my arms still not working well, I decide that I must get these chairs out NOW before they get wet. I attempt to pull the chairs out with my heavy arms. I begin to succeed when I suddenly wake up.

I've had similar dreams where I cannot seem to clear my head and keep from falling asleep. Usually something bad is happening and I never have yet realized that I am not unusually sleepy but actually asleep and dreaming the whole thing. -Jg
posted by Jeff Gatlin 1/14/00 8:16:15 PM

Monday, January 10, 2000

Dream/Journal: Giant Contact Lens

I have this recurring dream where I have to put one of my contact lenses in my eye. The odd part is that the contact lens is about the size of a bowling ball or at least it is larger than my hand. The even odder part is that during the dream I never think this is unusual. In fact in this last dream, I clearly remember looking at the lens, seeing that it was huge then looking in the mirror and seeing that my eye was equally huge so everything must be ok. I then proceed to put the contact lens in my eye, blink a few times and everything is AOK. Hmm, aok... this was a popular phrase from the late sixties courtesy of NASA and the space program. Now today, we have AOL just one letter away from AOK. AOK meant everything is fine, functional and on target. AOL is synonymous with oversimplified technology cleansed to be fed to the unwashed masses by ridiculously rich corporate power mongers. Weird huh. –Jg
posted by Jeff Gatlin 1/10/00 7:48:53 AM

Friday, January 07, 2000

Dream: The Car Wash

I almost hate to post this one since it seems so damn stupid. Why this one is more stupid than the others, I dunno. Anyway...

I have to get my car washed. So do many of my friends. The only one with me that I recognize is an old work companion from an insurance company I used to work at in Ft. Worth. The problem? Well there are a lot of car wash slots at the car wash but all the ones on the right side are taken. Trouble is the ones on the right are THE ones to use. I and my friend are parked in two of the ones on the left. There's no hose in mine, not even a place to plug one in. In her's just to my left, there's a place for the hose but no hose to be found. This is true dire circumstance. I look at the only hose I can find far down on the left side. I might be able to detach it and attach it to the one we are parked at but... I AM JUST NOT SURE!! This is terrible. Somehow, we take these horrible circumstances to heart and wait for two of our friends on the right to finish then pull into those slots. The End.

Was that stupid or what? The weird sense of urgency and dire circumstance feeling was going on through the whole thing. Sheesh. -Jg
posted by Jeff Gatlin 1/7/00 3:59:11 PM

Wednesday, January 05, 2000

Journal: The Name of Jeff

Well it is official. After years of believing I was only the mild-mannered Jeff Gatlin that I have always believed myself to be, I now know the truth. The Wu-Tang has shown me that my true name is 'Tha Winged Cow'. For those lost, looking for the truth about yourself, visit the WuName sight to learn your personal truth.

Oh yeah, coughing... it still sucks. -Jg
posted by Jeff Gatlin 1/5/00 6:21:24 PM

Monday, January 03, 2000

Journal: A Sack of Pity for those with the Flu

Not too many dreams have entered my head recently due to coming down with the flu. Most of my nights are spent bundling up in blankets, then kicking them off cause I'm burning up, then covering up cause I'm freezing, then wondering why my head is freezing but my body is fine and finding my head is wet much like a sponge being squeezed. It's just pretty damned weird when you have to wear a hat in bed. Nice visual eh? Well ok, I just used fold of an extra blanket but it felt like a hat!

Coughing is never all that bad at first. You get a little tickle somewhere deep inside, you cough and you feel better. But after 4 days of coughing, it just loses the romance. Now I just feel like my guts are trying to explode and at the same time feels like I just finished 500 sit-ups, without the benefit that sit-ups tend to give. Ouch... one more time for back row... OUCH.

My roommate made me a burger on her new 'George Foreman' grill. It was the best F'ing burger I've ever had. She is very much THE pearl of the ocean.

Enough for now as I must go back to attempting to avoid endless TV commercials infecting perfectly good edited for TV movies. -Jg
posted by Jeff Gatlin 1/3/00 4:29:31 PM