Snapper!

So, I'm getting back home from the local Hucks after heading out to grab a fountain drink. There's a red pickup parked at the end of my street, in front of my drive way but there's still room for me to pull in so no trouble there. I see some guy I've never seen before coming back from the wooded creek that runs by my place. I park in my driveway and get out of my car, noticing that this guy is now fiddling with two long planks in the bed of his pickup. I watch without watching (the standard casual spy routine) but am foiled when he calls out, "Hey there! Want to see something?"

Isn't this how your typical low budget murder movie begins? I mentally check my pockets... no shotgun, haven't taken Aikido yet... will have to rely on my time honored power of 'Everything is fine', a weird power I possess that allows me to confuse enemies with my utter lack of threat potential, while secretly I'm ready to dodge bullets. (I've not yet tested the bullet part).

In response, I stop and yell out, "Whatcha got?". Clever, I reveal my Texas heritage in my accent which delivers the message "Look redneck, I got a can of whoopass in my blood, so watch it!" without being all that rude.

"A turtle!" he replies.

OK. I don't recall any low budget murder flicks that begin with a guy with a turtle in his pickup. Alert levels are lowering. I approach and respond, "In your pickup?".

A clever response geared to measure the enemies intelligence and tolerence for statements of extreme obviousness. It worked, he ignores my ploy and continues with his own story.

"Yeah I found this in the road over by the ball park. Figured I'd take him over to the creek and let him loose."

What's this? A good samaritan? I look in the truck and see...



... the mother of all snapping turtles. This one, about two foot around, a scruffed nose from previous battles and a look in it's eyes that said, "Just let me have a few fingers. I've had a bad day and need something to chew on."

So Earl says, "Now I just gotta figure out how to get him over there."

and I say "How did you ever get him in?"

Side note: His name wasn't Earl, I didn't actually get his name, but it fits the mood.

Earl at this point is trying to grab the turtle with two long planks, sort of 1 by 6 boards, as if they were huge chopsticks. I'm wondering how he ever got the thing into his pickup. Wonder because this turtle is snapping and biting at everything that moves near it.

Light bulb over head.

"Hey", I say, "I got a tub that we can use to put him in then you could just carry him over and tump him out. Lemme get it"

I bring over one of my plastic tubs that I bought for packing, and Earl coaxes the turtle in sort of like sliding a dog across the kitchen floor, cept with less actually sliding and more pushing the turtle with the board.

Works like a charm, with turtle in tub, Earl juts over to the creek, climbs down and releases the turtle who darts off through the water at top turtle speed.

Earl returns tub, we shake hands and he says, "Thanks pal, we did a good thing." and we go our own ways.

An interesting experience, but not worthy of a low budget murder movie (thank the stars). - Jeffg

posted by Jeff Gatlin at 7/15/2003 03:20:00 AM